forbiddenloss

so its summer

i love summer

iv been working some

drinking alot

not doing drugs tho

im stuck between a rock and a hard place tho

i have been talking to girls for a while since iv been single

most of them have just wanted to "hook up"

which im not down for

i finialy find a girl

that is attractive

really really nice

and on my level

we see eye to eye on alot of things

and get along wonderfly

the chemistry is amazing

and then my ex comes back into the picture

which really stirs things up

because she is my first and only true love

to this point in my life

so my heart tells me to run back to her

which i have always done in the past

and the thing is

when me and her are together its amazing

but she changes always in the spring

and breaks my heart

she hurts to

im not saying she dosent

im just saying

im not the one doing the changing

if it all worked out my way

we would be coming up on our 2 year aniversary

and honestly

im scared to trust her again

i dont know what she has done while shes been away from me

and from what i hear i dont want to know

but she tells me she has done nothing

and i could see my self with this new girl for a while

but my hearts still hooked on my ex

im so mixed up

and tonight

i learned something that i didnt know

about me and my ex

and it scared me alot

but in the same sense it made me think

about all the great times we had together

i dont know wether to risk getting my heart broken again

but be happy for a while

or to trust this new girl

and try something new

so i moved in with my sister

its so much better here

i can do my school work in peace

i can make my own decisions

i can smoke when i want

i can drink when i want

not that that is what i am doing

i actually have been more sober sense i have been here

than i was the last three weeks with my parents

i am getting all of my work done

im already caught up from the week i skipped

im getting better at skating

im writting music

good music

about things i care for

i am slowly finding myself again

and i love every minute of it

im surrounded by people that care about me

and dont just want to dictate my life

i have noticed how wrong i was about

what love is

its not jealous

its not selfish

its not greedy

its not alot of the things

that used to hide under the skin of what i thought was love

i am single

and i like it this way

for once

i actually like being single

i have realized

that the lustful kind of love

is not manditory for happieness

i hate stress

its tearing us apart

i try so hard to do things right

and i always seem to fail some how

i always let my emotions get the best of me

and i think way to much

tonight for example

was 75 percent amazing

25 percent horrible

because i am stupid

i just want so badly for things to be

the way they used to

where i felt like i was the only guy on earth

the most perfect guy on earth

and i wanted to do all sorts of sweet stuff

i miss that

desperately

and aparently its all gone do to stress

thats why i hate stress

as all of my friends say

things will look up

and their is a big portion of this on myself

i accuse her

as she accuses me off doing

haha

ironic isnt it

i am willing to do anything to make this work

but she ethier is to tired or dosent have time to talk about it or just dosent want to "get in to it"

its like its better if we just pretend nothing is wrong

but i cant do that

its not healthy

i deal with something when it needs to be dealt with

and im stuck guessing because she wont tell me whats going on

thats where the accusing stuff comes from

a month ago things were so so so great

then it just

changed

when we got into an arguement one night

it got pretty rough

then i had to turn my phone off

cus i had absolutly no way of charging it

and it was practicaly dead

ever sense that night

things have been different

for the most part tonight was the way it used to be

minus any affection

she used to be proud for me to hold her in public

now she cant stand it

its like i have commited some horrible crime

that can never be forgiven

then again i am just ranting

to this pointless blog that no one other than her reads

and it is more than likely just going to upset her

and make us get into another arguement

its like i can not do one single thing right now a days

my parents could care less

the majority of my guy friends just use me for rides and money

and all this shit

im just bitching

but i think i have a valid reason

and im telling you

i will put my entire soul into making all of this work

but a relationship consists of two people

and both of them need to try

and if she dose like she was tonight

things will get better

just minus the intamicy

is it wrong of me to be alarmed at the fact that for the past 5 months

shes wanted me

and now dosent want me anymore

and more than likely i will just get told that i am a cry baby

and i throw things out of proportion

i just need a change for the better

and like i have said

im willing to do anything for that

anything

i am such an idiot sometimes

i went camping this weekend

and on friday some stupid girl in my second period class

told me some bullshit about my girlfriend

that got me really scared and stuff

even though it wasnt true at all

i just wanted to believe it

because i made afew mistakes when me and jessica were apart

and she didnt

and i feal extreemly guilty about it

and if she were to have really done something

it would make some of that guilt go away

but as of now no matter what im letting all of that bad fealing go

because its doing nothing but causing me and jessica problems

and making me question every thing she dose just to try and find something

to blame her for so the guilt will go away

but its all my fault and im letting the guilt go

i want nothing more than to be loved

which i am

by a very extreemly beautiful girl

jessica jamie verdonik

i am compleatly in love with her

and i am sick of my brain getting the best of me

telling me not to trust her

im putting all my trust in her

she has done nothing to not have it

so im giving it to her

unconditionaly

i love her

i am going to treat her that way

like i used to

i want to be her knight in shining armor

that she can trust and love

and not be afraid to pick up the phone

because im never going to yell at her

or scold her

just love her

treat her right

drop all of this malace i have inside

im giving everything up

and now it is up to her

to accept my appologie

and forgive me for my stupid ways

and let me treat her right from now on

i love jessica jamie verdonik so much

and i hope that one day that last name will be kaighn

and i will earn that

i want you to want to marry me

which you do

but im gona make it all so much better

I hate myself some times
im such a bad person
all i do is hurt the ones that love me
i deserve nothing
my parents
my girlfriend
im so selfish
i just want to crawl into a corner
and hide
for a few years
untill im over all of this stupid
adolecense shit

i went to meet with my guidance councelor
today
he told me and my parents that i would be fine
and i could get into most colleges
and i changed my scedual for next semester

i wish my emotions would just stay the same for a while
none of this up and down shit
stuff just gets on my nerves
and i take it out on whoever there is to take it out on
i need a good fight
that would be good

im ready for school to be over
but i still have two semesters left
i need something fresh
new
different
challenging

but instead
ill keep my normal routein
and be stuck in this
complacent state

i wish i treated others
with the love and respect they deserved

so its christmas and i have been doing alot of thinking
tonight i had something extreemly wierd happen to me
i felt awkwardly out of place and alone distant
almost not in reality
it only lasted for a few minutes
it was a great day over all
and i dont know why that wierd mood hit me
but it did
i got to see all of my best friends
and exchange gifts with them
this past year
i have gone through alot
matured alot
i experianced pain and love
i overcame fears
and i gained new fears
i made friends
i lost friends
i learned alot
i realized what i want for my life
and i started working on acheiving it
i had my heartbroken and mended
i realized that true love
can not be seperated
no matter how much you try
or even if you feal there is no chance in the world that it could ever work again
if it is true
in the end
you will be together
it may be painful getting their
but eventualy you will

im sick of drowning my emotions
so i got rid of all of the negative ones
and let go of alot of pain
even in the past week
its hard to forgive people who have hurt you deeply
but you have to
not for them
not so that they feel better about themselfs
you have to forgive so that you can be happy.
with anger and hate in your heart
happieness is not possible
its hard to let go
but it feels very good to have pain lifted off your sholders

i have alot more learning to do though

and its 1:30 so im going to bed

so many emotions going through me right now
im all confused
i want to drink a fifth of jack
and weep with my guitar
its odd that i can only cry when im that intoxicated
yet it is so soothing
even if im not sad
i wish to have a change
i wish i wasn't held back
i wish to quit all of these immature games
im so happy
yet so confused
that it counterbalences the happiness
i fear events in my life may have forced me to "grow up"
to quickly
and now the rest of my teenage years will be miserable
and maybe im being naive
all i know is
my life hasnt ever been better
yet im missing all of it because of selfish ambition

oh how i love you
you make all of these stupid problems
disappear

so happy thanksgiving i guess
thanksgiving is just a hallmark holiday
but its not even as cute as the other ones
like valentines day
this is just a holiday made to keep the population of turkeys low
haha
and i hate how every one pretends to be so happy to see you
80 percent of my family thinks that i am a fuck up and that im going no were
haha
then we eat fatty foods
and drink our red wine
and pretend that we 'love' our familys
then the all sit around me and hassle me to play songs for them
so i pretend to be excited and play
it makes me feel like a whined up doll
then i think
if they think that my music is just some childish dream
why are they asking me to play for them
why would they lead me on like that
but in the end

you have only yourself
and those you truly love
to rely on

so for that
i want those people close to me
to know that i am truly thankful for them

and i would be nothing without them

ok so im going to go to the useless family gathering

bye

so

today was the last day of school before thanksgiving break
and it is starting out quite nice
im kindof sad because
i really wanted to go see the chariot and august burns red
but oh well
im going to fayyettville on friday
and we have a show
im quite excited
i got to see the most beautiful girl in the world today
its funny
you can tell a relationship was 'ment to be'
when you can spend an hour doing nothing
and still have a great time
then i ate dinner with my parents and dave
and then went to brendans and watched movies
now i sit here
so incredibly tired
yet so wide awake
it is the worst fealing in the world
everything is transparent
my sense of touch is fading
and oddly im compleatly sober
just so deprived of sleep
that it is rediculous

so in a nut shell
i am very happy with my life currently
the best its been in months

im going to go drink coffee and listen to records

goodnight

tonight i did something
im not sure if it was the wrong or right thing to do
but i felt like i was leading her on
and she is one of my best friends
and i really didnt want or mean to hurt her
but it was kindof inevitable
because i was looking for love in a friendship
i am just way confused now
and restless
i hope things dont change too much
because i wouldent like that
i enjoy spending time with her
i just think i need a friend more than anything right now

im going to go stare at my ceiling fan

so basicaly

friday was one of the best 24 hour periods of my life

and yeah

i got to spend some time with jenna

and then went to fayettnam

and had a band practice

that was compleatly different than any band i have ever played in before

(this next part may sound gay but if you play music you know what im talking about)

the chemistry of the band

is unreal

the music just flows

and in a 24 hour period

we got more acomplished than i have in like 5 months

it was amazing

then its back to reality

also known as raleigh

and my father bitches at me

and tells me to get my hair cut

isnt it amazing how parents have this way of makeing you feal

say useless

yeah

it feals great

ok anyways

then i didnt get to get coffee with jenna

and she was sad

so it damperd my mood

because i care about her

and i dont like it when she is sad

and now

i get to go to work from 6-11

HURRAY

not

anyways

bye

so

today was good

i woke up on time

went to school

pretended to be interested

then skiped lunch detintion to go eat with jenna

then after school i had detintion again

it was lame

but jenna was at my house when i got home

which basicaly made my day

then i had to do some practice thing for this band

idk it was alright tho

then i went to the gym

and stressed my body to the limit

haha

now i am siting here
wide awake in a very contemplative state

we have a three day weekend

which i will be in fayyettville for the most of

which i am very excited about

but on another note

i am begining to feal scared

because the last time i felt this strongly for someone

i got fucked over

and i trust jenna alot

and i know that she would never intintionaly hurt me

its just that little voice inside my head

that i think we all have

thats telling me not to fall in love

but

i am a fighter

and

i must move forward in my life

and seek happieness once again

its kindof odd

how you long for something for so long

and then when its at your feet

they become cold

and you get nervous

i need coffee

or sleep

or alchohol

i found a song today when i was driving

it is written by one of my all time favorite bands

from their newest cd

which oddly enough untill tonight i did not like

here are the lyrics

i find them very poetic and moving

Autumn Leaves Revisited
Thursday

The leaves will fall
And so will you
When you do, bury me under them too
Seconds pass; we'll make it through
Eventually we all go home
It won't be long
It won't be long

We walk along the wire tied between horizons
You close your eyes like it's nothing at all
Throughout the rise and fall, everything, everything
Changes, I will be here when you die

It won't be long
It won't be long
Until we find our way home

Did you hear the trumpets play the day your father died?
Did a violin swell those circles under your eyes?
Did you play the part straight, like a marcher?
Get lost in the beat, thinking and feeling
Did the drums in the streets make the people dance?
Or fall to their knees as the sound?
Knock the leaves from the trees
As they fall from the branch, the look beautiful
As they hung in the air

Spinning around
Did you float in the air?
Spinning around

There must be somewhere that cigarettes burn through the night
And the leaves don't abandon their trees to the light
Where the skies always clear
And the summer never ends

Won't you take me there?

The leaves will fall
So will you
When you do, bury me
Under them too
Seconds pass; we'll make it through

Eventually we all are going home

so yeah

i havent used this in a while

but life is great

i have an amazing girlfriend

shes pretty much the best thing to happen to me in months

this weekend im going to fayettville for band practice

and we have no school on friday

so im excited about that

my mother is a bitch

haha

damn i cant wait to move out

untill then i will do everything in my power to piss them off

its fun

kindof a game

haha

yeah so im gona go study i have two tests tomorrow

so life right now
is awsome
family stuff is good
my friends are the best
im getting abunch of music opertunities
if only i had a girl to share this happieness with
and i realized something thismorning at football
you can realy defeat yourself mentaly
we were doing hurdles like they do in track
except two feeted jumping them
and i looked at it and i was like
shit thats tall i cant do that
then i busted my ass
but the next time
i was like
im gona do this
wether my body wants to or not
and i did them all perfectly
kind of funny how it all realy is in your mind
well today is busy and productive
so im gona go

so far
the hole going to dc for five days
has been an amazing benifit
i learned so much about my self
and really took time to "self evaluate"
now im back in raleigh
and
its like
every thing that made me want to leave before
is gone
and life is pritty much amazing
like today for example
i got up and went to foot ball
then got breakfast with chad
then went and picked matt up
and we went to brendans
watched waiting
which is the funniest movie iv ever seen by the way
ran some erands for brendans dad (aka the swan)
then
dave came over and
we had band practice for the first time in quite a while
and i think i get to go on tour in august
for two weeks
but anyways the practice was quite good
then jenna came over
and we got little ceasers
then we went and rotated daves tires
and then went to applebees
and then came home and had a hottub party
it was pritty awsome
except
trevor was there
and i guess he feals intimidated by me because me and jenna went to prom
but he shouldent
cus we are purely friends
but imean i guess i understand how he feals
well

so today
has been interesting
i got up at the ass crack of dawn
and it was pouring
so i went back to sleep
cus i didnt want to go to football work outs in the rain
then
my dad came in
and he was like you make a comittment you fufill it
and i was like
what the fuck
and
so that just pissed me off
and i jumped twords him like i would punch him
and he just kindof stood there
he was like
leave the house now
so
i left
went
and ran 4 miles
in the rain
and then full upperbody work out
whent to breakfast with chad and atzi
then came home
and pritty much have just chilled sense then
oh and i smashed my thumb in my car door
just thought you would like to know that
haha
i need a girl
bad
a girl to spend rainy days with
and make the day better

anyways
im going to play guitar if i can stand up
haha
then i think i might go to nicks apartment
not sure yet

grady

so
my day was good
pritty chill
got up and went to football work outs
now im sore
then went to breakfast with nick vance
twas fun
then came home and chilled
alone
my mom came home sick
shes really sick and has been for months
and no one knows whats wrong
kinda scared about that
she has to have a bunch of tests
then i went shopping
all by my lonesome
went to the mall
then wallmart
then picked up matt
and we went to the army surplus
then took brendan to work
then i had to have family dinner once again
only this time it was at a resturaunt
it was ok
me and my cousins talked about all the things that our parents dont know we do
it was funny
then dave came over and we watched the hurricanes game
they won
which basicaly means they win one more game
and they win the cup
pritty sweet
anyways
i wish i had someone to talk to
but i dont
so im gona go lay in bed untill i fall asleep

goodnight

so
today was interesting
i just finished watching jarhead
good movie
i hung out with sam
we got coffee and went bowling
i saw my good friend derick
whom i had not seen in months
you can tell some one is a true friend when you dont see them for a while
but they still care and you stil have an amazing time when your together
even if it is only for 45 minutes
its odd how you know somepeople will be your friends for life
and others
who you may put ahead of your true friends
will only be there for a short period
they both change and mold you
and help you grow
yet you put the "temporary friends ahead of your true friends
its kindof shitty if you think about it
but it happens almost daily
i leave for washington on wednesday
and for some reason i dont want to come back
i know my life is here in raleigh
my friends my family my band
yet for some reason
i always find myself thinking about what it would be like
if i just ran away
moved across the country
or even across the world
dont get me wrong
this isnt happening
i just sometimes
wish it would
i need an escape
i need a new beginning
i need new love
i need something to live for
yet
im still stuck here
same old routine
same friends
same heartbrake
same life


i need to get my head straight
or mabey
i need to drink my head dizzy
i dont fucking know

its like
im so lonely
and im in better shape than i ever have been before in my life
yet
i feal as tho
i couldent get a girl for the life of me
they only think of me as "a friend"
or they only want friendship
and i dont understand it one bit
i mean i treated the last girl i dated like a princess
and had only good intentions
guess that was my downfall
all guys want now adays is to get laid
and i just want someone to love
and love me back
but it dosent work that way in this day and age
no emotion
no pain
thats how it works right?
wrong
its all about looks
and the person your dating
its like some people date just to beable to say they have this girl or guy
and they dont even really care about eachother
see that is where i go wrong
because i do care
alot
and that is why i get hurt
and now
seemingly cant get a girl
mabey i should just change
and be like every other guy
and just "want to get laid"
but thats not me
so for the mean time
ill just deal with the lonelieness
untill i find someone
that feals the way i do

tomorrow shall suck
alot
i have to get up
and go to football work outs
because i want the "perfect body"
and i enjoy hurting people when there is no guilt involved
then i have to go to work
and be ontop of a roof
replaceing ceder shingles
all day
in the hot sun
then
some family shit
cus my cousins graduated
and my grandparents are in town
and there is nothing i hate more than family dinners
its like
im a shame to my whole family
just because
i want something more than a 9-5 behind a cubical
total bullshit if you ask me
anyways
enough of my pitty party

goodnight all

So
this is what live journal is like
i like it
different from myspace
and better

so yes
guess ill just type now
so its the beginning of summer
and everything has gone ok so far
kindof hecktick
yet relaxed at the same time
my life is so odd
at night i drink
then durring the days
i do stuff like comunity service
and make people think that im a good person
but i guess i am a good person
depeding on whos judgeing that
i dont know
i have a huge show thing to book on my hands
with sullivan and farewell
and i cant wait
just need to find a good bassist
so dave can play guitar
well i have a busy day tomorrow
so im going to sleep
or something like that
anyways

oh yea
the canes lost
major bummer
but
now they have the chance to win the stanley cup
in raleigh
witch would be pritty sweet

goodnight all